Titles are for People Who Don't Have Leaves

"Grape Leaves in the Rain"

 

I wish that I could photosynthesize. I want to feel the warmth of the sun give me strength as it hits my skin, let the nutrients in the soil soak in through my feet. I imagine that being a plant must be nice in some way, not having to do anything much at all. Simply just existing. No worrying about having to take care of yourself, or taking care of responsibilities. No stressful decision-making or unnecessarily complicated dilemmas to solve.

I pace around back and forth as my stomach growls, begging me to sustain myself. I could easily prepare whatever I wish to eat, but I continue walking back and forth endlessly with no real goal. One of my favorite meals—often even a comfort food for me—is a mix of white rice, tuna, cheddar or gouda cheese, and cannellini beans. The nostalgic flavor that reminds me of home and my childhood, the warmth of it as it enters my body; it would make a perfect meal to ease my mind of its discomfort. All of the ingredients are sitting in the fridge, ready for me to use. I open the fridge and stare at them. Nothing happens. I can’t get myself to take anything out. There’s an itch at the back of my mind I can’t quite reach. I begin to feel sick to my stomach as the stress of it gets to me. Eventually I give up, walking away having eaten nothing. 

Things would be so much easier if I didn’t have to eat. Whether it's because of my indecisiveness, lack of motivation, or just my poor eating habits, going out of my way to prepare myself food or even just remembering to eat can be a hassle. But I have to eat to survive. I do need to sustain myself as a living being after all. So then, maybe instead of not eating, there could be a magic food bar to sustain me. Imagine the convenience of having a single bar of food to eat first thing in the morning, and not having to worry about eating anything else for the rest of the day. I know myself well enough to say I still probably wouldn't eat it. Maybe it would be the idea of having to eat something I’m not used to, or maybe the texture would throw me off. Maybe I would be too overwhelmed by the fact there’s a wrapper I have to remove. So I guess that my best option is the most unrealistic: dig myself a hole in the dirt, grow leaves, and feed off of the sun while doing nothing at all.

I don’t want to just do nothing at all. Quite the opposite really. If there is a such thing as human nature, then I believe it is in our nature to want to do things. Does anyone really want to do absolutely nothing? Everyone has desires and goals they wish to accomplish. There’s so much I want to do with my life. I want to create music and art, explore and enjoy nature. I want to exist. But sometimes I feel that I’m not really good at it, or that I don’t really know how to exist. I always want to do things, but getting myself to actually do them is a struggle.

Back in high school, I would get home from school and sit for hours in front of my work without making any progress. I knew that I needed to do it, I wanted to do it, but I just couldn’t. It was common for me to sit for hours at my desk feeling bad about myself because I couldn't get myself to start a major assignment due at midnight. I would see my grades and all of my missing assignments and think “Wow, you really are a failure.” It didn’t help that all my friends were doing much better than me academically. I was always seen as smart, talented, and gifted when I was a child. Now I struggle to write a single paragraph if I have to. 

Ever since I was young, I’ve had ideas, projects, and desires to create. I am now 18 years old, and I cannot say with confidence that I’ve completed any of the things I’ve truly wanted to do. It often feels like the best years to begin have been wasted. The stories I began creating as a child, unfinished and lost to time. The songs I had wanted to write are nothing but a vague memory at this point. Nearly untouched sketchbooks litter my bookshelf at home. My violin sits in its dust covered case underneath my bed. I’ve lost track of what all the scrap pieces of paper and other junk I’ve collected over the years were for. Even so, I still hold onto it all because I hope that one day I’ll find what it takes to get me started.

Sometimes I have to eat, it’s a part of life. Sometimes I have to exist, that is life itself. Sometimes it's hard to do that, and that’s okay. No matter what it is that I struggle to do, I still find a way to manage. Maybe I wasn’t able to prepare myself a meal just then. But once my mind has settled and I find myself in the right place, I can try all over again and maybe succeed. Maybe I just haven’t been in the right place throughout my life in order to see myself accomplish much, so I will do what I can to find that place.

If I could photosynthesize, would my roots keep me chained to the ground? Would I really be more at peace with myself than I am now? I would desire to do more than sit tethered to the soil as I am now. Perhaps my leaves would be more of a burden than I could have anticipated, reminding me that my struggles are what make me human. 

 Image Attribution:

 

“Grape Leaves in the Rain” by Don LaVange, CC BY-SA 2.0